Hunter shot this in FULL HD!!

A Typical TGAAH Conversation

Andy: Well, what should we do about Schwartzy’s anger problem?

Schwarzty: I DON’T HAVE AN ANGER PROBLEM!!!!!

Hunter: It’s not a problem. It’s an opportunity for growth.

Andy: So then what shall we do about Schwartzy’s anger opportunity for growth?

Schwartzy: I DON”T HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!!!!

Hunter:(Ignoring Schwartzy) The same thing we should do about your surplus of stored energy… more exercise and power yoga.

Andy: What is a surplus of stored energy?

Hunter: Stored fat cells.

Schwartzy: Hahahahaha! See, I don’t have anger issues. I’m laughing.

Andy: Son of a bitch…

Hunter’s Words of Wisdom

Anything could be said about anybody. It doesn’t mean it’s true.

Happy Birthday, Hypnotherapist

Today we celebrate the birth of Hunter Ellis in this lifetime and reality.

Hope it’s a good one and you get everything you are wishing for.

More TGAAH Wisdom

We had just come out of a bar after we had been talking to an Asian girl. She had a nice body but kind of a fat face. Someone comment on her figure…

ANDY: Yeah, but she had a puffy face.

HUNTER: Most Asians are allergic to alcohol.

SCHWARTZY: It’s cause they have small pores and the alcohol gets stuck. Eventually it causes swelling.

A Typical Night

2/17/10

With our jaunty hats on, Schwartzy and I decided to grab some grub. It was already a bit late so we went to ‘The Daily Grill’ and texted Hunter to see if he wanted to unite. He did. (He must’ve been in the area working or mediating because he arrived within the hour). By then we had already broken a wine glass (we hadn’t even gotten the bottle of ‘menage a trois’ yet, and yes, okay I broke it) we found out the waitresses life story (though it turned out to be a lie – which we wouldn’t find out until later) got yelled at by the table next to us and scared away a celebrity that was in one of the Pierce Brosnan James Bond movies. (Ask Schwartzy who it was.)

We had a good evening flirting with the waitress who I swear said he name was Curley Dicksin (Sounds like a James Bond girl’s name) but it’s not quite that (You’ll find out in a different post, she appears again) and then us two guys parted ways with Hunter. Schwartzy and I weren’t done for the evening so we decided to go to Hollywood for shenanigans. We parked at Hollywood and Highland and immediately heard that we just missed Paris Hilton walk by. Not that we’re fans or anything but it wouldn’t hurt us to grab a jazz hands pic. So we ended up outside this one club for about 3o seconds when the back door to another club right behind us opened up and this chick came out and started screaming as though she recognized us!

She hugged Schwartzy and they talked like they were old friends. She pulled us into the club and it turns out to have been a benefit. It was the:  Young Professional PURIM PARTY in Support of Jewish Relief Efforts in Haiti. Whatever that meant. Who cares. We were in. Schwartzy was coincidentally dressed like the waiters.

Well, anyway, it took a while to figure it out but it turns out we DID know this chick. See, several months earlier, on Halloween, Schwartzy and I were dressed as Laurel and Hardy and had dinner at the Beverly Hills Hotel. (They LOVED us there) And we ended up dining with a group of scantily clad gals for a while and this girl was one of them. (She was the french maid. I have no pictures that I can find of the group but I posted above a pic of Schwartzy with one of them) She left soon after but we stayed and closed down the joint. Eventually we ended up sneaking into the original party where we saw Nikki Hilton (Pffff) but we were quickly kicked out. Good for them.

Philosophical TGAAH

HUNTER: If home is where the heart is, where do homeless people keep their heart?

SCHWARTZY: In a shopping cart

A TGAAH HIV PSA

Two Guys Take a Hike!

Everyone tells us to do it. It seems people must really be concerned for our health. It was 2/21/2010

So on the advice of so many caring individuals, Schwartzy and I decide to do our usual bi-monthly workout and take a hike. I think Hunter was home sleeping (I’m not sure that he believes in exercise) so we went without him. Schwartzy picked me up and we drove to one of the canyons. (Runyon?… I can’t remember) and started going. Now, the last time I went for a hike with Schwartzy I ended up with a prick in my ass. But it’s not what you think. (That happened later) We stumbled down this very steep trail which had at the end of it a huge cactus as though the set designer of the Three Stooges movies created it. I spun and my ass went right into the cactus and it was exactly as it is in the cartoons.

So I was determined to make this a better hike. We stayed on a major trail and it was all downhill the entire way. A nice relaxing strenuous workout. I think I nearly died of a heart attack. But that was typical. And we ended in Hollywood where naturally we wanted breakfast.

We met new people…

I think I saw Avatar in 3D (script still sucked) and several pots of coffee and some corned beef hash later we realized we were trapped in Hollywood. The only way back to the car was up. UP? WTF? We already hiked. We can’t hike again. That would be crazy. WALK ALL THE WAY BACK UP?? NO WAY!!

So, plan one… take the subway (apparently LA has a wonderful public transportation system) to my house, get my car and drive to the trail where Schwartzy parked. BUT, and luckily I realized this before we got on the subway, I left my keys in Schwartzy’s car. Damn! Now it would be really stupid to hike back to the car to get the keys, hike back down, get on the subway, go to my house and drive my car to Schwartzy’s car so after tossing that idea around for a while we threw that out.

So, what to do? We needed to call friends. But we don’t have any. We knew Hunter would yell at us for some ‘bad planning’ hang up he has against us (or, at least me) so we didn’t call him. Schwartzy called a few girls he ‘knows’ but they all hung up on him or yelled at him (I think for being ‘too awesome’) so we were stuck. I called Max, the sound guy at my studio, that lives in Hollywood but he didn’t answer (I should’ve called from a phone with a restricted number) So, what to do? We tried Rachel, a gal we know, that we were sure would help us. (Especially because in the past we have had to rescue her from a bar in Santa Monica and drive all the way out to Korea Town because well, we won’t get into it…) and she told us to take a cab. (WTF??)

So finally we remembered Aygul, a Russian chick that owes us big time because Schwratzy got her a job with me and between the two of us we keep her employed and in the country. She lives only a few blocks away from where we were stuck. (I know this because only days earlier on a Friday night I had to drive her home from work in a rainstorm because she needed a ride) So we called her for an emergency ride. AND SHE SAID ‘NO’!! She told us to take a cab. WTF??

I was so stunned I hung up on her. She eventually called Schwartzy and told him she felt guilty (As she should) and would come but only after she had breakfast. So we picked up some Beard Papa deserts, bought a few for ourselves and Aygul and her husband and waited on the street corner giving jazz hands to the cars so she would recognize us. Eventually she showed and we hopped in. And she took us to our car. (In the end she was so happy to see us)Finally, we ended up back at the car where we ate our Beard Papa deserts (see top picture) to celebrate our hard work. We grabbed the first stranger we could find and told him to take our picture. It turned out to be this guy…

He worked on Raiders of the Lost Ark and apparently a million other films. I completely forget his name or what he does. Damn! And I was wearing my Indiana Jones shirt too, and never even pointed it out to him. We kept talking to him, asking him all kinds of interesting questions and spewed all kinds of interesting insights to him about the movie business and Indiana Jones and hiking and everything. He must have liked us too, and thought we were filled with energy. In the end, he told us to take a hike.

What a nice man.

‘Two Guys’ Meet – 1998

It was March 1998

If my memory serves correctly, I was looking for my keys. Schwartzy was looking for a soulmate (I think she was 16). Our individual journeys lead us right across each others paths somewhere in Utah.

The bond was instant. We laughed. We skied. We shot M-16s in the desert. We hung with famous producers and stayed in $200 a night rooms. (It seemed like a lot at the time). We outran lighting on snowmobiles and ran down the middle of town, screaming, as we reenacted scenes from ‘It’s a Wonderful Life”. Who knew it would lead to this.

Sonofa…