Two Guys and an epic night

Posted: August 9th, 2009 | Author: Schwartzy | Filed under: TGAAH, Two Guys Solo Adventures | 2 Comments »

You may have heard the stories (from us), you may have read about it online (when we emailed you), but nothing will prepare you for what actually happened the night of June 13, 2009… the night that will go down in TG* history. It has everything you want in a TG adventure: Italian models, wedding crashing, a bachelorette in tears, nudity (female and male), pool-diving, a drunk slutty girl in a blue dress (see above), plenty of jazz hands, and a male stripper… with a heart of gold (yes Hollywood – we’re working on the screenplay).
WARNING: what you are about to see may not be safe for work. If you work in the adult film industry, you’re probably fine. If not… tread lightly. You’ve been warned. Click below to see the debauchery.

*our hypnotherapist was on sabbatical or hiking or submerged in a sensory deprivation tank that night… who knows what he does when he’s not with us.

The night started like any other – fancy dinner at a super-swanky restaurant accompanied by Italian models.

We shared some stories…

Shared some laughs…

And shared some pasta.

Like the classy gentlemen we are, we end our meal with an espresso.

We met up with Cousin Rob and adjourned to the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood. In the course of doing some snooping around the hotel, Andy and Schwartzy ended up at a wedding reception! A big circle with all of the guests suddenly formed on the dance floor, so we joined in. That’s the bride and groom.

We got a quick picture with the bride… then we were soon accused (pretty accurately) of being wedding crashers. Probably by that woman on the left – she don’t look happy. Whatever… lame reception anyway. I give that marriage 6 months, tops.
So before security came to throw us out, we relocated to the Roosevelt pool.

Within minutes of being at the pool, we were recruited to play a prank on a bachelorette by her friends. They asked us to pretend we recognized the bachelorette from high school and act like we were all old friends back in the day. Unfortunately, Andy and Schwartzy are master thespians – we played our parts too well. Not only did bachelorette believe that we knew her (from some random high school in Colorado where they do that weird hand thing… supposed to be the beak of a bird?), but we had her convinced we were friends with her ex-boyfriend. But, as is sometimes the case with us, we didn’t know when to stop…

The combination of massive alcohol consumption by bachelorette, and of us talking about the ex and how great he was and why didn’t they work out, resulted in bachelorette breaking down in tears. Yeah, we made a woman cry at her bachelorette party. If our performance doesn’t at least get an Emmy nomination, I’ll be disappointed. This is bachelorette after she finally stopped crying and believed we were playing a joke. (BTW, I give her marriage 6 months, tops)

Bachelorette forgave us – it was a true bonding experience. Her friends loved us for pulling the prank and going so far with it. So now we were IN with the bachelorette party – commence poolside shenanigans!

Uh oh… drunk girl plus pool plus naked man equals bad idea.

Yep… bad idea.

Rob gets the ladies wet! Well… Rob, and a pool, get the ladies wet.

Andy is one cool cat when women are hanging on him. Otherwise, he’s a basket case.

She’s laughing so hard she’s peeing. On Schwartzy’s head.

Andy and Schwartzy were enjoying Old Fashioneds that night. A lovely cocktail. Fitting, cuz we’re so old fashioned.

Yep, just a couple of old fashioned guys doing old fashioned things… like looking up women’s dresses. (in my defense, I was looking for my car keys when this picture was taken… I found an old Rolex and a couple of Lotto tickets in there, but no keys)

Pictures are funny – this one almost looks like Andy is grabbing a boob. That’s crazy. He’s totally married. Those wacky optical illusions…

Bad girl! You get a timeout until you learn to stop flashing your panties!

This is the result of trying to say “She sells seashells down by the seashore” 10 times fast.

Argh… this garter is so hard to remove.

Schwartzy to the rescue!

Even the interns were getting in on the fun.

Two heads are normally better than one, but when one is Andy’s…

The pool’s dead. We’re outta here!

We all piled into the Roosevelt elevator to head up to the ladies’ room.

Got sidetracked by some cupcakes in the elevator.

Mmm… cupcakes.

Eww… cupcakes.

Once we get to the room, Rob doesn’t waste any time.

Watch out Andy – she has a camera!

Why do the girls have rocket ship cutouts?

Oh. Not rocket ships. Got it.

The jumping begins.

Andy wants in!

So does Rob!

And Rob quickly puts an end to the jumping by molesting the young woman.

It’s mine! All mine!

Rob was nice enough to share his leftovers when he was done with her.

Hellooooo. It’s not gonna suck itself.

We eventually got thrown out of the room.

Oh… you probably want these back…

Another one of those darn optical illusions.

Are those I’m too sexy eyes or I’m too drunk eyes? It’s a fine line.

Found my car keys!

The blonde kid behind Andy ended up stealing the really hot girl to the right. Still boggles my mind how that happened. C’est la vie.
Thus ends our time with the bachelorette party… or should I say bachelorette party number one…

We meet Fireman Bill—aka, Sebastian the stripper—in front of the elevator, so we decide to join him on his trip to a different bachelorette party in the same hotel. Update: It’s about 3am now and we’re following a male stripper into a hotel room full of new drunk women. WTF!

We cautiously enter the room with Sebastian.

Quick rundown of what happened in the room: woman answers the door and is like “WTF – who are all these guys?” and we say “We’re the stripper interns. We’re here to assist Sebastian.” She totally buys it and lets us in. Sebastian goes in the bathroom to rub baby oil on and chub up (I would guess) while we entertain the ladies in the room with a pre-show to get them hot (prospector dance, jazz hands, etc). Then Sebastian tells us to collect the money or he’s not coming out. There’s some confusion with the money—Sebastian only takes cash so one of the women has to run downstairs to find an ATM, etc. We’re negotiating on behalf of Sebastian: “He will not come out unless there is cash in hand. This is SO unprofessional!” Friend comes back with the cash, and the show begins.

Sebastian puts on a great show… one of his all time best. He comes out of the bathroom with the “Is there a fire in here, ladies?” line. Classic Fireman Bill! The woman in white is the bachelorette. The woman getting plowed by Sebastian is her maid of honor. Honor isn’t the first word that comes to mind while she’s in that position.

Andy was certain the women were on to us and were about to boot us out, so we took off.

4am. The end to a successful TG night. Only thing left to do is an STD checkup… those girls were dirty!

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